lies we tell our daughter…

Let me preface this post by declaring that I’m a terrible liar. Transparent, twitchy, telling.  I used to compulsively lie to my stepmother when I was a kid because I was so intimidated by her disciplinary methods.  Things I had absolutely no reason to lie about!  I’d get caught.  Every.  Time.  This would only of course result in me getting in worse trouble.  You’d think I would have learned my lesson and put a stop to it, but this trend went on for years!  Crazy, right?  Anyway, even when fibbing, embellishing, or tactfully attempting to dodge incriminating questions, I can barely keep a straight face. Yet somehow for the last 6 months the wife and I have been pulling fast ones left and right. Here’s a list of the more recent whoppers:

When mommies and daddies aren’t around, monsters are going to come.  This came about from the munchkin refusing to get out of the car when the wife was running an errand.  Nothing like good old fear as coercion.  I don’t know why the wife thought this was a good one to perpetuate…something tells me this one is going to come back and bite us.
– If you don’t brush your teeth they’re going to turn the color of poop and the tooth fairy will not come for them because they’re stinky and gross.  This one is pretty self explanatory.
-The princesses decide what comes on Pandora Radio.  You get what you get.
-You are made out of love. (somewhat true)  This is our attempt to answer the bigger birds and bees question on the toddler level.
– Listing off all of the random things we find in her teeth while brushing…
– If you don’t listen to me and continue misbehaving the Hanukkah fairy will come and take your presents away.  Torah 101: The God of the Hebrews is a vengeful one.
It's Tinkerbell!
– Constant threats to do ___ task without her.
– We’re going to leave without her/leave her behind.
– Princesses eat all of their dinner. (this might actually be true)
– I’m going to do ____ task first/ I’m going to win.  Nothing gets her moving like thinking she’s going to “lose” or be the last one.  She also has a driving urge to win everything.  Heaven have mercy on anyone else who dares win.
– We have convinced her that she can talk to her unborn sister in utero through mommy’s belly button.  We whisper conversations to get her excited.  You should see the look on her face!
– The great big birthday fakeout.  This year because Baby O 2.0 is due around her birthday, we’re just going to celebrate a month late.  We’ve let everyone in on it so that her real birthday should pass by without notice.  We hope.
– Medicine lies. dissolving mucinex powder = pixie dust, children’s dimetap =purple princess potion (the kind Ariel takes to become human), tylenol chewables = candy.  Etc.  Strangely even this only works some of the time.
– Places we’ve stayed. (my friend Greg’s house is actually “auntie squid’s house”?)
– When people travel, they’re on an airplane the entire time they’re gone.  “Yep Vivi, Amma is still on an airplane…”
– If something is unavailable off, closed, etc., it’s “sleeping”. (This was an early and frequent one that we’ve since outgrown.)
– Foods we don’t want her to eat yet are “spicy”.  This includes everything from certain desserts, soda, milkshakes, etc.
– The Gaytonia, an ostentatious and garish historic building with turrets in our neighborhood has been labeled “princess castle.”  And yet the princesses are never home so we simply cannot drop in uninvited.  That would be rude!  As a result, we constantly have to come up with new tricks to persuade her that the princesses are unavailable.

The Gaytonia...not to be confused with gaytopia

I wonder many things.  I wonder when we can just start leveling with her without fear of the consequences.  I wonder if she’s going to develop a complex.  I wonder if this is ethically appropriate and she wouldn’t be better off hearing “the hard truth”…if she could even wrap her mind around it.

I wonder if I should go to sleep now…


About AmateurParent

I'm just a guy.
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One Response to lies we tell our daughter…

  1. auntie squid says:


    you may use them interchangeably, but you didn’t list this one in your list even though I heard it repeatedly this year! But I think it’s 10x more funny to tell a Jewish kid that if they misbehave, Santa is going to come take their presents/toys, then it is to use the Hanukkah Fairy.

    also, I am really sad I didn’t get to see the belly button conversations in person!

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